Realizing how much freedom and control you actually have can be frightening; so much so that you resist being aware.
Usually, right at the moment when you are about to slip into a neurotic or destructive pattern or make a wrong choice, there is a moment of awareness.
But if you have reasons for not wanting to be aware, the moment passes unacknowledged.
If you want to deepen your practice, work on keeping that moment of awareness active.
Joy of Being